You Bet

Advertising restrictions on casinos and gambling websites will be relaxed in September, which is great news for people who want a new way of losing all their money but haven't heard of gambling before.

According to this report, the government are ensuring the whole thing stays sensible by banning adverts during shows aimed at under 18s. Well, they don't have much money, do they?

And they're also keen to stop adverts making gamblers appear sexually attractive, which is ridiculous and unrealistic - everybody knows casinos are full of James Bond-a-likes, sipping Martinis and high rolling among a bevy of scantily-clad beauties, which is exactly what you will become if you go into one. Yes, you.

Neither can they depict gambling as a solution to debt. Hmm, so how come Ocean Finance are allowed to advertise? I mean, which is more likely to pay off your Argos bill; a few hours at the poker table or yet another loan at 1,000% interest over 25 years. All you have to do is get 21. How hard can it be? And you've got 25 years to keep trying, because every skilled gambler knows it's that one more go that will finally get you the big bucks.

Here's what Nicola Crewe-Reade from gambling industry funded addiction counselling service GamCare said: "We hope the outcome of these new standards will be to encourage people to see gambling as fun and entertaining rather than as a way of making your fortune."

Or in other words, "it's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts." Right. Sven said that to the England team last year and look what happened to them. Plus they all ended up developing gambling addictions on the coach back home.

Anyway, how do you promote something without glorifying it, lest we end up with, gasp, a nationwide gambling problem? Well, I think all the actors should be clinically obese and over 40, and every chip and card in the casinos should have a skull and crossbones on, like cigarette packets do. Casinos and gambling websites should also be made to sponsor a weekly prime time TV show called 'You Bet Your Life,' a fly on the wall documentary following a chirpy firm of bailiffs as they repossess all the contents of gamblers' homes.

I can't wait to see what these adverts are like.

Harder To Breathe

Someone told me that about 90% of a journalist's time is spent re-writing press releases, and judging by my recent stint at a certain respectable national tabloid, I can confirm that the other 10% is shared between bitching and worrying about getting sacked. If you keep that first statistic in mind when reading news stories you'll begin to realise it's probably true, perfectly exemplified by this story, a horrendous piece of recycled non-news telling us yet more ways, surprise surprise, to save our dying planet.

Is anyone else is sick to death of hearing about carbon emissions? And does anyone really believe that inflating their tyres and emptying crisp packets out of their glove box will prevent the imminent ice age?

I've got an idea. Maybe we could all hold our breath for six seconds in every minute. That would reduce our personal CO2 emissions by 10%, which means we could all drive whatever the heck we wanted, and in magnificent squalor too, if we so desired.

I'm a bit worried though, because it won't be too long before some government think-tank (like a fish tank, but with more emissions) realises that it's our selfish need to turn oxygen into carbon dioxide that's making it hot in summer, so the problem will be solved in the only way New Labour knows how: Breathing Tax

Those who choose to breathe air in town and city centres between 07:00 and 18:00 will be charged on a sliding scale dependent upon lung capacity. People living inside the breathing zone will get a small discount, as will those who spend five minutes in the hour breathing into a government-issue paper bag, called the 'carbhilator'.

"Breathing Tax is a way of ensuring the planet will still be here for our children and our children's children," says Gordon Brown, speaking from his newly acquired grace-and-favour yacht in Monaco. "This is not just another way of pilfering more money from people who can afford it, but a genuinely forward-thinking initiative aimed at curbing the selfish conspicuous consumption of our generation," he adds, before setting sail for Canada to do a bit of Lumberjacking.

Recycling: The possibilities are endless.