Harder To Breathe

Someone told me that about 90% of a journalist's time is spent re-writing press releases, and judging by my recent stint at a certain respectable national tabloid, I can confirm that the other 10% is shared between bitching and worrying about getting sacked. If you keep that first statistic in mind when reading news stories you'll begin to realise it's probably true, perfectly exemplified by this story, a horrendous piece of recycled non-news telling us yet more ways, surprise surprise, to save our dying planet.

Is anyone else is sick to death of hearing about carbon emissions? And does anyone really believe that inflating their tyres and emptying crisp packets out of their glove box will prevent the imminent ice age?

I've got an idea. Maybe we could all hold our breath for six seconds in every minute. That would reduce our personal CO2 emissions by 10%, which means we could all drive whatever the heck we wanted, and in magnificent squalor too, if we so desired.

I'm a bit worried though, because it won't be too long before some government think-tank (like a fish tank, but with more emissions) realises that it's our selfish need to turn oxygen into carbon dioxide that's making it hot in summer, so the problem will be solved in the only way New Labour knows how: Breathing Tax

Those who choose to breathe air in town and city centres between 07:00 and 18:00 will be charged on a sliding scale dependent upon lung capacity. People living inside the breathing zone will get a small discount, as will those who spend five minutes in the hour breathing into a government-issue paper bag, called the 'carbhilator'.

"Breathing Tax is a way of ensuring the planet will still be here for our children and our children's children," says Gordon Brown, speaking from his newly acquired grace-and-favour yacht in Monaco. "This is not just another way of pilfering more money from people who can afford it, but a genuinely forward-thinking initiative aimed at curbing the selfish conspicuous consumption of our generation," he adds, before setting sail for Canada to do a bit of Lumberjacking.

Recycling: The possibilities are endless.