You Bet

Advertising restrictions on casinos and gambling websites will be relaxed in September, which is great news for people who want a new way of losing all their money but haven't heard of gambling before.

According to this report, the government are ensuring the whole thing stays sensible by banning adverts during shows aimed at under 18s. Well, they don't have much money, do they?

And they're also keen to stop adverts making gamblers appear sexually attractive, which is ridiculous and unrealistic - everybody knows casinos are full of James Bond-a-likes, sipping Martinis and high rolling among a bevy of scantily-clad beauties, which is exactly what you will become if you go into one. Yes, you.

Neither can they depict gambling as a solution to debt. Hmm, so how come Ocean Finance are allowed to advertise? I mean, which is more likely to pay off your Argos bill; a few hours at the poker table or yet another loan at 1,000% interest over 25 years. All you have to do is get 21. How hard can it be? And you've got 25 years to keep trying, because every skilled gambler knows it's that one more go that will finally get you the big bucks.

Here's what Nicola Crewe-Reade from gambling industry funded addiction counselling service GamCare said: "We hope the outcome of these new standards will be to encourage people to see gambling as fun and entertaining rather than as a way of making your fortune."

Or in other words, "it's not the winning, it's the taking part that counts." Right. Sven said that to the England team last year and look what happened to them. Plus they all ended up developing gambling addictions on the coach back home.

Anyway, how do you promote something without glorifying it, lest we end up with, gasp, a nationwide gambling problem? Well, I think all the actors should be clinically obese and over 40, and every chip and card in the casinos should have a skull and crossbones on, like cigarette packets do. Casinos and gambling websites should also be made to sponsor a weekly prime time TV show called 'You Bet Your Life,' a fly on the wall documentary following a chirpy firm of bailiffs as they repossess all the contents of gamblers' homes.

I can't wait to see what these adverts are like.